Ive been scratching/cutting myself trying to relieve my stress level (endophins) as Im so so stressed out as I have to attend an appointment in the city today and arent up to it at all. Cutting to relieve stress levels (for endorphin rush) is something I hadnt done in a while. So its upsetting Im finding myself doing this again. I dont know how else to get my intense level of stress down when Im forced to do things my health isnt up to doing.
I have diarhear bad so scared of making a mess (and actually did accidently go on my floor a couple of days back as I didnt make the loo), I cant talk properly still due to the pnemonia im still trying to get over and go into coughing fits and loose my voice and get dizzy when i try to talk to much.
Yesterday I was not capable of even going into a shop and getting a drink (my boyfriend who was up visiting had to as after I suggested we go down the street and get some milkshakes as i wanted a 10 min outting... when we arrived, I realised I was too sick to get out of the car). Yesterday at one point... I was actually crawling on my floor to get to my bed as I was unable to walk the several metres from one room to the one next door.
So im completely freaked at being forced to go to an appointment today so the whole thing is mentally affecting me. Its wrong Im forced to the point of collapse so often and I see that as a likely happenstance today, (I dont know how many floors the building has or how far I will need to walk).
The appointment is a court ordered forensic psychiatric one.... Im currently going thru the court system for something i didnt even do!!! Im stressed out as if they find me mentally unfit to plea.. Im worried that means they may not allow me to plead my innocence. i ARE innocent!!!.
(im up on attempted arson charges due to another near suicide.. as I was going to pour petrol on myself and burn myself up last year but did come round mentally at last moment so never tried to light up anything and instead left and tried to seek psych help, (then due to the situation of what nearly occurred the police were called and from there i was charged with attempted arson ..when I'd done nothing at all.. was suicidal but didnt go throu with the suicide at the time).
Im in so much trouble with things.... (i was mentally stable the first 10 years I had CFS/ME.. the lack of medical support etc has really gotten to me).
What's gonna to happen today.. i dont know.. im terrified about going to that court ordered appointment Im meant to go today.. Im far to unwell (I dont have a wheelchair or anything)... I dont feel like I can deal with it right now.. and im bound to have a fight with my boyfriend over this who has just showed up to take me. (I hate medical people as they are ignoring the CFS/ME and my situation).
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Blog entry posted by taniaaust1, Jan 10, 2011.