Do I need help? How do I know?

Blog entry posted by lior, Jul 2, 2017.

I REALLY don't want to have people look after me. I don't want my life to be invaded. I want to act according to how I feel, not according to how other people want me to act. Even if they think it's for my own good. What's best for me is acting according to how I feel - this is how I can feel free, even though I can't do much.

I'm estranged from my family though they have offered me to stay with them. There's a lot of problems there; if I moved back into their house I would kill myself. Long story - it would be terrible for my mental health, I just can't do it. So I can't get their help, even if I needed it.

The fact that they offered has freaked me out and made me question if I need help.

How do I know if I need help? I'm not really eating as well as I could do, because cooking is usually too much for me. I'm not leaving the house every day, but I am working two days a week (which at the moment I fear is too much). I only wash the dishes every other day. I shower almost every day.

I'm struggling with not having someone I can talk to every day about accepting this. I haven't been diagnosed yet, but I've been like this for 9 months, whatever it is. I'm accepting that this is how it's going to be for a while. Other things in life have become more difficult, in terms of energy but also emotionally. I have good close friends, but I don't want to overburden them. I really wish my flat mates gave a s***.

I know that there must have been countless others who have gone through this more alone than I am. At least I have friends. I'm disadvantaged not to have family support. My family would cause a lot more problems than helping.

Wouldn't it be great if I could have a volunteer who is actually also really hot and would cook for me and maybe there'd be romance and sexy times too... problem is that only creepy people would respond to that kind of volunteer post!
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  1. lior
    Thanks both, wise words both.

    I'm so glad I'm not the only one on here with these family experiences... but I'm sorry you have experienced some of the pain too. I'm in long term psychotherapy, which helps.

    Yes, some things need to change... things are difficult right now with my home situation but it's going to get better. Eventually.

    I think you're right @taniaaust1 that if I wasn't working I'd be able to do the other stuff. But if I didn't work, I'd lose something I love - it would be like being separated from your husband. I'd have to go through a lot of emotional change to let my work go. I'm delegating as much as possible. I'm setting things up so that I can have an intern who can do the legwork while I do the strategy.

    I have my diagnosis now.

    Gosh I can't imagine collapsing. I have points sometimes when I just can't think or move for a moment.

    It would be helpful to just have one person who I lived with that could help sometimes. Not much, just a little bit, every so often. I could pay them back in other ways.
  2. taniaaust1
    I know the other said diagnoses will help u get help but in some places a diagnoses with ME/CFS eg where I am, Australia, can stop you from getting support services as our disability system doesnt cover ME/CFS.

    Reading your post it sounds to me that it may not be a case of needing help but more of a case of needing to change your life and what is being done currently so u can then do the things u need to do. eg maybe you shouldnt be working and instead of be on a disability pension. If you were not having to go to work and working maybe you'd then have that energy to be able to cook every day and do the dishes every day rather then every second day.

    Maybe there is other things in your life to which may be able to be changed which would help.

    I get help but its due to it being a case of that I cant do those things otherwise or just to it being completely unsafe for me to do so. eg I cant go shopping by myself without collapsing and needing an ambulance, so I require help to go shopping, I get some cleaning help, otherwise those things just do not get ever done

    it was quite clear to me when I "needed " help. Of cause many will be wanting or wishing they had help before they actually need help

    best wishes to you

    ps I do understand re your family, I'd be the same way. I'd commit suicide if I had to live with my family as it would be an even worst thing... to many problems with that. Much of the time I see my family, they cause me to end up in hospital due to them not being good with ME/CFS stuff and their too high expectations of what Im capable of doing
    lior likes this.
  3. hellytheelephant
    P.S It IS hard to accept help when you would rather be doing things for yourself- but a professional is there to do the job- be it cleaning, organizing or whatever.
  4. hellytheelephant
    Hi @Lior- firstly I sympathise with the situation with the family- mine are a total nightmare too. I cannot imagine a good situation they would not make worse or a bad situation they would not make worse! I went no contact 18 months ago and it is the best thing I ever did.
    There are two seperate needs you have 1) practical help 2) emotional support. To get any kind of practical help you need to get diagnosed. There are a lot of positives to build on - you are still able to work, so you have that social contact, you are able to shower and you are able to eat regularly. If you feel you want to overburden your friends ( I've been there), then look into low cost counselling/telephone counselling and the Samaritans. All of those are willing and able to deal with as much as you need to say. I cannot recommend counselling highly enough in terms of healing from abusive family relationships. I would also recommend journaling, which has been invaluable for me in not unleashing your daily frustrations on those around you. Wishing you well.
    lior likes this.