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Days of our lives

Blog entry posted by Quilp, Mar 2, 2014.

It’s a feeling that comes from nowhere, but washes over you like a tsunami.
The reality that I might have to live like this for the rest of my life takes my breath away; the closest I’ll ever come to a living nightmare.
And like fuel poured onto a raging fire, I cannot control my emotions.

Little by little, everything that was once me has become something else.
I am pathetic and incredible; fragile and unbreakable; lonely but not alone.

I cannot explain why, but I think we are close. I cannot explain why, but I can see the finishing line.
I really believe we are close to an understanding of this illness.
No longer can they say this is an abnormal illness belief and still be taken seriously.

I have made a list of all the things I want to do, all the places I want to go.

Imagine watching the sun going down over a beautiful sunset, with your love close by.
Who could say they have never lived having been there ?

I want to read War and Peace, just to prove to myself I can.
Who would like to come to Paris with me in the spring ? Why would I not travel on the Trans – Siberian express ?

New York, the Colliseum, the Pyramids ? You don’t have to choose now. I have all the time in the world.

Imagine putting money on the table every week ?

Of course I can go for a weekend break to Prague, and it would be rude not to buy a new car.

And the house, a small cottage, on the edge of nowhere, with a view of the rolling hills of Malvern.

The pictures, the theatre, and so what if the bills come all at once, don’t you know I have a well paid job ?

To have the sun on my face, laugh like I once did, and sing like I believed.

A long walk across the beach, a drink at my local pub, a meal at the new restaurant.
Would you like to go to Toronto ? What about Las Vegas; we can even go down to Miami.

And what about that cruise I’ve always dreamed of ? I can book it months in advance; don’t you know I don’t have to worry about that anymore ?

Imagine going into St Petersburg in the summer, perhaps flying to Beijing, and in the English winter I can catch some of that Aussie sun. I’ll show those Aussies how it’s done !

It doesn’t matter that the fridge, the cooker, the TV, have all broken at once. Why should I walk that abyss, when I have the freedom to replace them all in a day, and smile whilst I did ?

To run up those steps, to shop for hours, to pass others younger than myself, just to show I can.

To buy my loved one a diamond ring; to cuddle up with her and watch a film, to tell her I love her, and know that I can show it every day for the rest of my life.

To jump out of bed when others are still sleeping. To ask how they are, because you know you are happy and healthy.

To make up for lost time, with every minute of my life precious to the last. To love Monday mornings like Friday nights; to laugh myself to sleep, and slowly over time, the distant memories of a life of hell, belonging to somewhere else.

And those nightmares that washed over you like a Tsunami, trickle past you like an apologetic smile.

Little by little, everything that was once me has become something else.
I am pathetic and incredible; fragile and unbreakable, lonely but not alone.


Mark
  1. beaverfury
    Quilp, I love your writing. Do you have any more writing online ? I would like to read more.
  2. Kina
    Quilp, you a remarkable writer. I love this line -- Little by little, everything that was once me has become something else. How true.