It's that time again and Christmas isnt even here yet but Im now so washed out and hence worried how in earth are I going to make it throu the xmas period.
Today so wiped out that Ive only been out of bed 4 hrs today, got out of bed at 2.30pm then fell asleep while trying to watch something on tv at 6.00pm (was feeling so exhausted) and only recently woke back up 11.pm (and feel like I could go back to bed very very soon and sleep again).
Thou I did need to have the appointment (still trying to get home help), thank God I cancelled todays appointment (another one with DisabilitiesSA), no way could I have coped with it in the state I currently are in and they'd wanted me to go throu forms.
Too many appointments just before Christmas to the point that its like a full time job keeping up with the appointments. Its so crazy, I usually dont allow myself to go over 2 appointments per week as otherwise my health is just knocked about far too much but as many doctors go away for xmas and stuff, Ive had to accept appointments when I was able to get them.
My week is running as follows ..
Today/Wed (was supposed to be with DisabilitySA appointment with I had to cancel at last moment)
Tomorrow/Thurs the government housing people said they were home visiting for house inspection
Friday.. two appointments same day
morning have one in the next town so that involves a 45 min drive (as I need to get a referal to specialist so are having to go to a doctor ive never seen before to try to get it, hopefully she'll give it to me)
then in the afternoon got to go to the eye doctor due to the eye flashes I was getting to make sure I dont have retina damage going on.
Tues 20th.. appointment with the pathology professor in the city re POTS (but she's used to teens with it so dont know how she's going to be with a ME/CFS person).
Wed 21st.. seeing a new CFS specialist who is filling in till I can see another in Feb. I need to see him due to medication questions and hopefully get some more help for ME symptoms re sleep med?.
Im so so stressed out not knowing how im going to do that when Im already right now knocked about to the degree of only spending 4 hrs out of bed today with the rest of time sleeping cause Im so so tired.
I even havent finished getting my medical file together properly which I need to take to the professor Tuesday and spend 6 hrs yesterday trying to get my medical stuff together and time doing so too the day before hence why Im so badly wiped out today thou I did it while sitting. Got the forms filled in for that appointment and in the post this afternoon (hopefully they arrive at the hospital before my appointment, there is a chance they may not arrange in time and if so I will have to do them all over again at the hospital).
To top it off.. someone who I had on standbye to take me to one of my appointments next week, gave me a bit of a hard time yesterday over not replying back to her emails (it was only two days). She dont understand that I just cant keep up with my email box and hence dont even read them daily, so she gave me a big lecture on not checking them daily. (I wish I could just run away from everyone)
So i was very upset last night due to her lack of understanding and judgement of me over it which happened at a bad time, I have severe PMT right now (that it lead me to a self harm scratching/cutting incident for endorphin rush to feel better some so now Im back to having to hide the mess of my arm) esp since I'd already pushed myself FAR MORE then I should of yesterday, over what my limit is (and hence why I was hardly out of bed at all today).
I sooo wish people would understand just how hard Im trying to do everything now, it hurts to be constantly being told by people that I should be doing things I just arent managing to do.
I just CANT do it all and CANT live up to their expectations. I need to seek help from others due to Im so unwell and just cant look after myself by myself but then I have to cope their judgement crap they put on me "you should do this, you should do that". If I was well.. well yes I could be doing all that.
Im been making xmas presents for family members and I cant see how im going to get them finished now with all the appointments I have, looks like it is just going to be appointments and trying to get over those appointments nearly right up to xmas day.
My family is meant to be coming to my house for xmas.. I wanted that as I hadnt had them here for over 10 years for it and it was me always having to try to arrange transport and get to their place which is hard for me.
Unfortunately due to all the appointments, my yard and that is a real mess and not how I wanted it to be for christmas, I havent been able to arrange someone to come back in and fix it up again. The grass is waist high out there so my yard is going to be unusable.
I also wanted to clean out the caravan (camper trailer I think americans call them) as i was hoping someone would stay the night so I wouldnt be alone after 7.00pm on christmas when I feel the most loneliest.
Xmas is always a hard time for us and right now Im so stressed over it all. I just dont know how Im going to do it. I hope I dont end up putting myself into a serious relapse with all the appointments and xmas, Im right now at risk of doing that.
Going back to bed again now. One and a half hrs out of bed after sleeping much of day and I just need to be back there sleeping, trying to recouperate
(Im exhausted to the point that Im not complaining about insomina, exhaustion of this kind wipes the bad insomina I usually have problem with away.... so its a welcome back to the land of hypersomnia).
Christmas wipe out
Blog entry posted by taniaaust1, Dec 14, 2011.