In life we have choices. Choosing gives us power. When we are thrust into a situation in which we have very little choice, it can leave one feeling very powerless. Thus has been my situation been for the many years I've been homeless in this very tent.
For years we have tried to find a way out of our situation and seem to have only dug ourselves in deeper and deeper each time.
We tried to build a house - now we are in debt we can barely cover due to our increasing medical expenses, can not finish building because the majority of the money ran out years ago, and are now left with a half finished structure too toxic for us to live in.
Three years ago we started an intensive regime of supplements which did show much promise in healing us - then a misstep with adding just the wrong type of a much needed nutrient (b12) and all our hard regained health crashed around us in a matter of a few weeks. This was the instigator of the crash from which we are only just starting to pull out of finally, a full year later.
Stuck in a difficult situation, all the motivation in the world to pull yourself out of it yet chained to a body incapable of hardly even moving at times for the most basic of needs. Its enough to drive a person nuts.
While these last few months have passed by and our health declined further and further, all thoughts turned to escape from this situation, no matter the cost. I started rooting through all the ads for rental housing, day after day, looking for the "perfect" place for all our needs - super cheap, hardwood or tile floors, no fresh paint or remodeling, no pest control, no mold, no super close neighbors, no gas appliances, and a landlord willing to work with our MCS problems ... in other words, looking for the near impossible.
Even assuming we found a place that matched everything, it would still have the possibility of not being right for us depending on the lifestyle of the last few tenants. If they had been incense burners, smokers, strong laundry soap users, heavy perfume wearers, or any number of other highly toxic aromatic things in daily life, then that too would rule a place out.
Yeah.. darn near impossible at this time.
And then a few weeks ago, Jeremy and I came upon a Choice.
We could keep going crazy looking for an exit to the cage we found ourselves in these last eight years or find within ourselves the key to dissolving the cage bars surrounding us and finally be free again.
I am not entirely sure how we found the ability to liberate our minds from the cage, thus freeing our souls, but I do know it started with a choice to stay.
All these years I never felt like it was by my own choosing to be here in a tent. It was always circumstance that forced my hand, left me no other options. Left me powerless.
As simple as it seems, we decided that barring unforeseen changes we would stay here for the next solid year, work very diligently and without deviation from a healing plan we wrote out that day, and most importantly - we made a choice to stop pacing the confines of the cage but to instead embrace the life around us as our own.
And with that we were freed.
<img alt="Free Wild Horses" src="http://a.imageshack.us/img819/2038/2289765395f74d2ae5b1.jpg" title="Free Wild Horses" class="aligncenter" width="500" height="333" />
Blog entry posted by Lisa, Aug 2, 2010.